Chapter 4 -Fruitless Writer

            Jack came home that afternoon bubbling over with his adventure.  He talked about the people that he met and how everyone was so positively receptive to him as captain of Escalante’s Search & Rescue.  He knew all the big names now and felt he had made significant strides in being an acceptable, usable resource for law enforcement.

             Apparently there had been a murder and parts of a woman which had been partly dismembered were missing and they wanted as many people as they could looking for those parts.  The effort produced no further results in the investigation, but he was thrilled to have been in on the effort.

             “Nothing unusual here, right? No emergency calls from the kids or anything like that?” Jack queried.  He really wasn’t expecting an answer.  It was just a rhetorical question as he shoveled dinner down.  It was a given that nothing ever happened of any importance around here, but the kids, being away might have something to report.

             “No calls.” she responded.  She juggled her thoughts as to whether he could be receptive to her adventure and then dismissed the idea of discussing  it.  He would probably say she had dreamed it or scold her for being so foolish as to interact with a cougar alone and unarmed.  She couldn’t show the rock as proof.  It had no distinctive characteristic that would indicate it was anything of importance.  Indeed, as time passed, she was having a harder time believing it herself.  The words were just not there to relay a convincing story.

             “I’m glad you didn’t find anything.  It would have been horrible,” she continued.

            “Well, it’s not like we were out to stop it.  The murder had already occurred.  If we found something, it may have helped bring the culprit to justice.” He grumbled, but only slightly.  He was too excited to have been in on the chase.  “We have to type this up for the report to the district and count the man hours in this search.”

            She did her part and got the computer up and the form filled out and printed it in triplicate so that the appropriate authorities could have something to file.

           Life went back to normal for a time.  She searched for work on the internet, took care of the animals and received and relayed information between the four couples of her kids as they would check in once in awhile to hear news.  Every day she would handle the rock and ponder for a time it’s purpose.  It was always comforting to hold, but for the last two weeks it gave off no further indication of superiority.

           She had the need to read and study scripture and somehow find meaning in what had taking place with her.  Sometimes her rational side would question if she had taken her thyroid medicine that day.  Could it have caused her illusion?

 She decided finally to clear her mind and continue her book in progress, which just happened to be on philosophy.  She was on Chapter Two.  This was only about the 5th time she’s started a book about her thoughts.  One of these days it would have to all come together.

 Chapter Two—Where I Stand Today.

           I have just come from watching a Larry King Live show with 5 religious leaders discussing the philosophical questions of world importance.  I wanted so badly to participate in that discussion.  Larry gave them each less than 30 seconds to give their view point on death, love, and sin.  I don’t know about you, but I can’t regurgitate my physical address in 30 seconds (people always make me spell out ESCALANTE very slowly), let alone tell you where I stand on important stuff.  They did a pretty good job…especially the Rabbi.

           This book is my side of the discussion and all the things I would have liked to have heard discussed in detail. Of course, it would have been a one month show instead of an hour, but it would not have been cliché or shallow.

           “Why?”  I had a web page out there once, that simply said, “The Purpose of Life” to find out… ”Click here!”  When a person did, they got this explanation:

           The Purpose of Life is to identify and understand your biological, astrological, sociological, and environmental programming and choose to conscientiously rewrite it into something greater.

  Now to define my terms above:

  Biological Programming -Your body is unique, from your DNA out.  Some people have a predisposition toward arthritis, or paranoia.  This is partly what I refer to as biological programming, but it goes deeper than that.  When identical twins were separated at birth and then reunited in their forties the researchers were amazed to find the siblings clothes, hair style, and even the color of their cars were the same.  I am fascinated by this subject and ponder the extent of this biological programming matter often.

 We know and make use of certain characteristics in breeding dogs and domestic animals.  I’ve always been truly amazed watching a sheep dog that has never been around livestock make use of his inborn biological trait of corralling moving objects

 We once had a dog that was part Australian Sheep dog.  He focused his need to gather moving objects on the vehicles that went past our house.  It was futile.  The cars never responded favorably to his attempts to move them in his desired direction, but he was possessed by his biological programming to continue in his efforts.  This programming eventually resulted in his demise. However, had we been in possession of a herd of sheep, this animal could have been a wonderful asset. 

 This seems logical that we understand our biological urges and look for an environment or career that will best meet those biological needs so we can be fully actualized. A person’s traits or talents, in their proper environment can be grown into greatness and an individual can reach satisfaction.  So often people will become doctors or lawyers because they think it will gain them prestige and power.  If there biological programming does not agree with the traits that match a certain profession they will be forever unable to discover their true biological programming and thus will always be unhappy…looking for something….and never feeling fulfilled.

 With all the knowledge gained on traits that animal breeders have about their animals, and the seemingly great need us humans have with finding a way to categorize ourselves, ( can be seen by all the magazines that promote a test for this, or that, to see what kind of person you are.) you would think more serious scientific study would be done on biologically embedded human traits. (I mean for something other than disease.)

 How does one person get started in understanding his biological programming?  Fortunately for most of us we can look at our parents and have the beginnings of a PHD into ourselves.  We are biologically a combination of them, however, they have recessive genes from their parents and so on…and so on.  So genealogy is not just so a person can draw a four-generation chart of his parentage, as much as it should be a study of self.  What did they all choose to do? What were their shortfalls? What were their strengths?  Can you see yourself in pieces scattered among them.  Are you repeating their mistakes?

If you have only one parent or have grown up under the tutelage of different parents then your picture may not be as easily examined, but not all together impossible. Look at people with the same facial and body characteristics. They may not be family but you share a trait.. so examine how that trait is incorporated into their lives.  People from the same family have similar looks. So look for those that look like you and study how they cope.  Who seems to be happy?

It has been my experience never to take the word or viewpoint of any ONE individual in regards to anything. One viewpoint is always way to narrow to represent the truth. So if a parent or grandparent tells you negative things about your ancestry… remember it is only one perspective. One perspective is the beginning of your research…not the end.  The study of self-discovery has to include the faults and strengths of your ancestors.  Also the opinion of a person at 20 is totally different than the same person at 40 or 80…because they stand at a different vantage point.

 Be prepared! Your biological programming may NOT be good. It is this effort to identify the negative biological programming in all of us and conscientiously do all we can to rewrite or refocus that tendency toward a productive end that is part of the purpose of life.

One other example, which may or may not be wholly valid: I had my appendix rupture when I was about thirty-nine and I walked around in this state for a week while the poisons invading my body.  When the doctors finally decided to go in and remove the digestive overflow and the remaining organ pieces, I was left with a very non-functioning biological unit.  I tried repeatedly to get well.  Energy was lacking.  Doctors were useless, and I was getting desperate.

  In my neighborhood was an herbalist.  I went to her one time to get a reading of the state of my health.  She went thru her perception of my health by looking into my eyes, stating my linage and which parts of my body she perceived were not functioning to par.  She said that everything in the body is repeated in your eyes just like DNA.  This seemed logical to me, even though I had doubts as to her ability to read this information.  She did give me $95 worth of herbs and I did see finally an improvement in my health after the regime.  So for that I am very grateful, however she never once mentioned my intestines or digestive system in her analysis so the question was again raised as to her ability.

Now I have to tell you one other thing before I conclude the above example.  I have been a professional clown for over 18 years.  Children’s parties, parade’s, business promotionals, benefits were all part of Slender Bells the Clown’s life.  My alter ego was always referred to by me in third person.  The clown part of me had her own personality, and likes and dislikes. I considered it professional to stay in character when I performed and referred to myself while in costume in third person.  People were always amazed when I would criticize my other personality as if we were in competition.

 Back to the story: As this herbalist was studying my eyes she seemed quite shocked.  She said hesitantly, “You are awfully schizophrenic!”  She looked into my eyes again in horror and shook her head and repeated the phrase.  At the time I didn’t say a word, just thought slyly to myself. “Slender Bells and I don’t think so.”

 I have thought about this incident in terms of biological programming.  Yes, there is mental illness in my family tree, but as time goes on they are finding out that more and more of the items that were just considered ‘crazy’ have a biological basis which can be corrected or modified.  If  indeed this gene came thru to me as a schizophrenic, could I say I took my split personality and made it a positive component?  Just a thought…, but if it were so it would be an example of what I would like to accomplish with my own rewriting of my biological programming.

 Astrological Programming: – I never believed that astrology had anything to do with me.  However I would acknowledge that the moon’s phases had influence on groups of individuals.  Examples of known difficulties would be when the staffing of hospital emergency rooms and police are increased during the full moon.

 In college I had a theory that I diagramed, called the Moon Filter Factor.  It was observations of the tendency of individuals to behave similarly in groups during performances.  I would get dressed up in full costume and get in the car to drive to my gig, and then watch with great interest at the occupants in the adjacent vehicles.

  If it was a good Moon Filter Factor day, people would look thru my car window and acknowledge that a clown was driving the car, with a wave or a smile.  In the extreme, people would change directions and follow me to my performance.  Those were many of my greatest performances!  Most often those were the days when anything I did would be funny and everyone would have a great time.  There was a danger, however,  in this hyper-externally-sensitive time…everyone was feeling outside themselves and if a strong negative feeling entered it could easily consume all present.

On Negative Moon Filter Factor days, nobody would look past themselves and would keep their eyes on the road.  Even if I rolled down the window and waved,  I couldn’t get anyone to acknowledge that anything out of the ordinary was occurring.  At times like those, I had to think fast and pull out all the stops just to get a satisfactory performance, and a positive response from my clients.  Those were the days when clowning was equal to WORK.

Normally the moon was all that I ever gave any credit of influence.  I firmly believed that if the moon can make the waters in the ocean gather in tides and waves then certainly it must have some effect on the 78% water in my bodily makeup.  It seemed really pompous to assume otherwise.

However the planets and the stars influencing my life anything but remotely, seemed like stretching it.  I would read several people’s analysis of my astrological position.  I am a Cancer…a home body who lives in the past.  Excuse me..that is wrong!  I could never find ANY truth to the items presented to the public in the western cultures astrological interpretation.

Then one day a response came from a web page reader.  He told me that I had been going thru a very tough time these last three years and that a change in my energies should prove good and uplifting and that a new direction was opening up for me.  He elaborated extensively and I was floored by this person.  Who was he and how did he know me?  Nothing I could discern on the page itself told anything about me personally.  I was shocked.

 As time went on I found out that he had looked up my username on AOL and found out my year of birth, which happened to be the same as his own. He used an Eastern form of astrological interpretation he referred to as NineStarki and I was a ‘Black 2 Soil’.  The description was still general, but at least applicable.  We kept our association going for years and most of the time his calls were right on the money about the same percentage correct as the Western astrological interpretations were wrong.

 This and the fact that historically many great events were proclaimed with astrological wonders, leaves me uncertain as to the degree of influence such bodies have on our performance here on this blue planet.  So part two of the purpose of life; discover those influences and do what you can to turn them toward a positive end.

 Environmental & Sociological  Programming:

 As the epiphanies later on in this book will testify, much can be learned from your environmental programming. The direct physical world and it’s make up composes most of the Environmental Programming.  Have you been exposed to quantities of lead, or nuclear waste.  Are the preservatives in your food making you grumpy?

 Of course, don’t forget the EVENTS of your life.  The events that make ‘forever’ marks in your life. These are all what I call environmental programming. Prior INPUT! Anything that has gone on in your life before is easier to repeat.

  How you were raised?  Where were you raised? What values were instilled in you? What culture were you exposed to?  What country?  What state? What religion?  Many of these are also Sociological Programming.

 Does the fact that the bedroom always have to be blue…stem from your crib blanket? Studying why you do things, or like things a certain way and why your comfort zone is where it is: Is part of  either Environmental or Sociological programming.

 With all this knowledge about self it would be superfluous if we were NOT able to change that programming. 

 With the heretofore mentioned web page came my title The Roadside Philosopher.  Not a pinnacle preaching prophet or a leader extraordinaire but someone easily dismissed as eccentric and cast to the roadside.  I am not an extremist on any side.  I am a “middle of the roader”That is not a popular position at the moment.  Extremists get air time, and make headlines. I try to present my viewpoint in the middle and I am dismissed as not having a viewpoint.  Excuse me.. hasn’t anyone heard of Aristotle.. ”Moderation in all things.”

 There are the people that feel, “Life is being done to them,” people who feel “They control everyone else’s life”; and people who “Just let it happen,” and don’t worry about things at all.  I am the “puzzler”.  Not only do I want to know which piece goes where, but I want to know why it was created to go in that particular spot in the first place.

 Einstein’s method of looking at things was intriguing and I hold to that.  He always looked at things as if he were God.  If I were God how and why would I organize things the way I have.  I don’t think of this as sacrilegious.  God created man in his own image, who better to try to emulate than the master inventor.  So I look for things in nature and science that can lead me to a better understanding of the larger picture.

Questions themselves have intrinsic value.  Questions are sometimes more satisfying than the answer.  For instance:

 I did an experiment in college during my last quarter at the University of Utah in my motivation class.  These students were the self proclaimed elite of the business major seniors.  I was in my thirties and not a main stream student, and my presentation was not main stream either.  I decided to see if I could convince these students that the questions were more important than the answers.  To do that I dressed up in my children’s party clown costume in full makeup and brought magic tricks and balloons for balloon sculpturing to this sophisticated audience.

 I originally introduced myself as my clown persona and proceeded to perform a very simple mechanical trick.  I was greeted with smiles and wonder and small applause.  I then asked if anyone knew how the trick was done.  One fellow in an attempt to astound the class volunteered the solution and I confirmed his theory by showing the physical component that proved the fact.  The whole mood of the class changed from pleasure to disapproval.  They were upset with the fellow who gave the solution.

The wonder that there is something greater than your own understanding is comforting.

           The rhythm of her typing was putting her to sleep. Besides nothing else was coming to her creative side, which meant it was time to set the book attempt down again and continue later.  Would she ever get things together enough to finish a book?  She sighed.